Getting back on track

My peeps, I have not been doing too hot. Something about visiting my husband's parents this weekend threw me off. Perhaps it was partly the prevalence of the type of sweets I would never keep in the house now--a frozen grocery-store mudslide pie, for example: the type of sweets we always had at home when I was a kid, which I would wolf down. (There were four kids--"eat it NOW or it will be gone later" was the slogan of our house.) I know it was partly that I didn't have control over every meal or even almost every meal while I was there. Partly it was that my routine was just generally off. I have not been eating horribly, but I haven't been doing as well as I should have at taking care of myself by feeding my body mostly nurturing food.

For lunch today, after we met with our financial planner, we went to Bahama Breeze. (I don't frequent many chain restaurants, finding many local restaurants far better than most chains, but I love me some occasional Bahama Breeze.) I got a mojito (normally LOVE them) but only drank a third of it. It wasn't a great one and made me sleepy. I ordered five fried butterflied coconut shrimp with broccoli and mashed sweet potatoes. I left most of the sweet potatoes; they were really good, but I was full. The broccoli was very buttery. I love good steamed broccoli with some garlic and a touch of fat--it really doesn't have to be drowned in fat to be tasty! The shrimp were fantastic. Yet I've had too many meals like this (the "ooh, that's too unhealthy, but it tastes good" ones) in the past few days, and I couldn't fully enjoy it. It's easier to enjoy a rich meal if you know you are on a good kick and taking a break from that kick than when you feel you are backsliding into habits you don't want to revisit. This would have been a great meal to have in the middle of a very healthy week; it was not a great meal to have at the end of four days of not eating too well.

But as my husband reminded me this evening, "It's only a little slip-up. Everyone has them, and you can get back on track easily." He's right. I can. I can get back on track tomorrow paying careful attention to what my body wants and needs instead of just eating something because it will taste good. And I'm going to take a long, brisk walk tomorrow for stress relief and to think through some things. I am adoring my long walks. I am not usually having to force myself to do them, because they are helping calm my body and clear my mind. It's total "me" time. Plus, I've gone back to the habit of only listening to my mp3 player when I'm exercising, and I LOVE my mp3 player. It's got mostly bad, great 80's songs on there right now.

Some good news today was that it's been my first time at the doctor in over half a year when they didn't need to swing the weight bar to 200 pounds. I've been under 200 since early January, but this was my first time being weighed by a doctor since then. "This is 11 pounds under what my weight was two months ago," I considered saying to the nurse. Instead I just grinned. Grinning at 190-something pounds on a scale is a good sign when you are losing weight. It's much better to celebrate victories than to feel negative about, well, any of it.

And one interesting thing I noted this weekend is that since I have cut back (wayyy back) on how much dessert I am eating with my various mental tricks and general awareness of the state of my stomach, I can now notice the impact that intense sugar has on me very quickly. I feel a bit jittery a few minutes after more than two bites of dessert . . . can feel the sugar and usually caffeine hitting me. I feel my pulse pick up slightly. I feel slightly buzzed and slightly ill. It's not a very pleasant feeling, if I am self-aware enough to realize what's happening. If I can remind myself that it's the first two bites of dessert I love--and still only have that dessert when I truly want it (not just because it's there)--I'm doing well.

I told my husband on the plane last night how disappointed in myself I know I'll be if I can't make eating intuitively work. "I need to prove to myself that I don't need someone else or something else structuring my calories so strictly for me. I need to prove that I can trust myself." The trust I've been feeling about food is carrying into other parts of my life; I am feeling generally more confident. It's great to be losing weight and feel happily more confident and in control, not restricted. I don't want to lose that. So tomorrow, I am proving I can trust me by being trustworthy with my body without any counting.