C25K Update . . . and a bit more

I did Day II of Week 5 again yesterday, and it was fine. It was hard, but it was fine! I could certainly feel my muscles working on the running sections, and I was slightly sore, but it was nothing worth stopping me. I ran two 8-minute segments with the end of the last one being a pretty steep incline. Talk about talking yourself through it! But I did it, and I'm very proud of that fact.

I realized this morning that I actually only have to do 20 minutes (ha! only . . . 20 minutes) once this week before dropping down to a lower level for the beginning of next week. I guess that's to push my muscles and then rest them some? In any case, I'm planning to do that on Wednesday, weather willing, and then move on to Week Six.

Do you know what? This was so cool to me. The skills I'm developing in C25K and with my healthy eating attitudes are paying off in other ways. Let me share. . . .

A few years ago, I developed a case of acrophobia (fear of heights), and it's never gone away. I went from being a fearless adolescent to being a very fearful adult rather suddenly. My parents had a very sudden separation and then a long, horrible divorce. My financial world fell apart. My emotional world fell apart. It seemed like I was just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Then I got sick, several times, and then it turned out I had cancer. Then my first fiance and I broke up. Of course, plenty of good things happened in the meantime, but what it felt like was I was just holding my breath waiting for the next earthquake. I've let a lot of that go, but the fear of heights has stayed with me. When we were in Oregon on vacation, we were crossing, on foot, a bridge that was high over a rushing river. I felt woozy glancing down. I clung to the railing with each step. I had wanted to stop to take photos, but suddenly I felt like I couldn't do anything but be afraid. Then I thought (as I have used with foods I have craved but haven't really desired), "What if I just don't?" Only this time, I meant, "What if I just don't let myself be afraid?" And suddenly, I wasn't. I was able to look down, look up, walk without holding the railing, and take a great photo of my husband on the bridge. I was so excited that my diet trick worked. It's so basic . . . yet it worked.

The other thing is that I have decided to develop 3-4 blogs simultaneously for the next year to year-and-a-half. I am going to do them more professionally than I have done any blogging. I'm excited about it, and I find it a bit overwhelming. When I feel overwhelmed, it's easy to just STOP thinking about whatever is overwhelming me and do nothing. Today, instead, I thought, "Why don't I break this down the way C25K breaks down running? I can do anything in little pieces." So I emailed a very successful blogger I know to get some advice, and I broke through the paralysis.

What I find so completely refreshing and exciting about all of this is that I have never found losing weight contributing anything except resent-able restrictions on my life. With this path, instead, I really am learning to take care of myself and to move toward my goals slowly, with purpose and pleasure.

A loving spouse

Today is the court day for the guy who hit my husband; for those of you who missed the earlier post, this is the guy who hit my husband with his car going about 35 mph (about 55 km/hr) when my husband was crossing the street in a crosswalk, breaking my husband's pelvis in three places, pushing his collarbone permanently out of place, shifting the front part of his skull, etc. The guy pled NOT GUILTY to "failure to yield to a pedestrian." Um, right.

Our attorney--who has been representing us in the civil matter but has no say in the criminal matter--warned Dan that if the guy brings an attorney to represent him, that guy may try to ream Dan. My poor husband--the victim of this matter. I wonder what the guy's attorney could ask him that would be so rude? Needless to say, I'm feeling a little anxious today. I was also feeling a little anxious last night. I convinced my husband to go with me to a bookstore to get the book I need to read for this weekend's book club meeting. I thought I wanted dessert. But I was too tired to make dessert, so I pondered getting a piece of mudslide cheesecake at the bookstore. Then I pondered a milkshake. Once I had dragged him out of the house, my husband wanted to wander the books for a while, but I told him I felt like I would eat something if we stayed in the bookstore (with its cafe).

"Well, use your sympathetic mind thing that you've been doing." He put his arms around me.

"What do you mean?" I was somewhat just being purposefully obtuse. My eyes felt heavy.

"I mean, do you really want dessert? If not, what is it that your body really wants?"

I put my head on his chest and closed my eyes. "I want to go to sleep. That's what I want. I'm very tired." Just saying it, I felt like I could have fallen asleep leaning against him.

So he agreed to go ahead and leave the store. I bought my book. We went home and were asleep by 10 p.m., and I still struggled to wake up this morning at 7. I was seriously worn out last night.

I'm very grateful my husband is the kind of guy who will do what's best for my needs even if it isn't convenient for what he wants.

Getting back on track

My peeps, I have not been doing too hot. Something about visiting my husband's parents this weekend threw me off. Perhaps it was partly the prevalence of the type of sweets I would never keep in the house now--a frozen grocery-store mudslide pie, for example: the type of sweets we always had at home when I was a kid, which I would wolf down. (There were four kids--"eat it NOW or it will be gone later" was the slogan of our house.) I know it was partly that I didn't have control over every meal or even almost every meal while I was there. Partly it was that my routine was just generally off. I have not been eating horribly, but I haven't been doing as well as I should have at taking care of myself by feeding my body mostly nurturing food.

For lunch today, after we met with our financial planner, we went to Bahama Breeze. (I don't frequent many chain restaurants, finding many local restaurants far better than most chains, but I love me some occasional Bahama Breeze.) I got a mojito (normally LOVE them) but only drank a third of it. It wasn't a great one and made me sleepy. I ordered five fried butterflied coconut shrimp with broccoli and mashed sweet potatoes. I left most of the sweet potatoes; they were really good, but I was full. The broccoli was very buttery. I love good steamed broccoli with some garlic and a touch of fat--it really doesn't have to be drowned in fat to be tasty! The shrimp were fantastic. Yet I've had too many meals like this (the "ooh, that's too unhealthy, but it tastes good" ones) in the past few days, and I couldn't fully enjoy it. It's easier to enjoy a rich meal if you know you are on a good kick and taking a break from that kick than when you feel you are backsliding into habits you don't want to revisit. This would have been a great meal to have in the middle of a very healthy week; it was not a great meal to have at the end of four days of not eating too well.

But as my husband reminded me this evening, "It's only a little slip-up. Everyone has them, and you can get back on track easily." He's right. I can. I can get back on track tomorrow paying careful attention to what my body wants and needs instead of just eating something because it will taste good. And I'm going to take a long, brisk walk tomorrow for stress relief and to think through some things. I am adoring my long walks. I am not usually having to force myself to do them, because they are helping calm my body and clear my mind. It's total "me" time. Plus, I've gone back to the habit of only listening to my mp3 player when I'm exercising, and I LOVE my mp3 player. It's got mostly bad, great 80's songs on there right now.

Some good news today was that it's been my first time at the doctor in over half a year when they didn't need to swing the weight bar to 200 pounds. I've been under 200 since early January, but this was my first time being weighed by a doctor since then. "This is 11 pounds under what my weight was two months ago," I considered saying to the nurse. Instead I just grinned. Grinning at 190-something pounds on a scale is a good sign when you are losing weight. It's much better to celebrate victories than to feel negative about, well, any of it.

And one interesting thing I noted this weekend is that since I have cut back (wayyy back) on how much dessert I am eating with my various mental tricks and general awareness of the state of my stomach, I can now notice the impact that intense sugar has on me very quickly. I feel a bit jittery a few minutes after more than two bites of dessert . . . can feel the sugar and usually caffeine hitting me. I feel my pulse pick up slightly. I feel slightly buzzed and slightly ill. It's not a very pleasant feeling, if I am self-aware enough to realize what's happening. If I can remind myself that it's the first two bites of dessert I love--and still only have that dessert when I truly want it (not just because it's there)--I'm doing well.

I told my husband on the plane last night how disappointed in myself I know I'll be if I can't make eating intuitively work. "I need to prove to myself that I don't need someone else or something else structuring my calories so strictly for me. I need to prove that I can trust myself." The trust I've been feeling about food is carrying into other parts of my life; I am feeling generally more confident. It's great to be losing weight and feel happily more confident and in control, not restricted. I don't want to lose that. So tomorrow, I am proving I can trust me by being trustworthy with my body without any counting.

Mind games

I, who consider myself a very authentic person, am discovering that some mind games are worth playing. That's because there are parts of my brain that like to play tricks on the other parts, and in order to combat that, you've gotta use one part of the brain to trick or calm the crazy part.

As I've discussed in previous posts, one of my games, when I have a craving, is to remind myself of all the various places I can get whatever I am craving, and remind myself I can find a high-quality version of whatever I am craving whenever I want. Somehow, it helps calm the craving.

Also, as I have mentioned before, I am learning to be very empathetic to the part of me that gets crazy-hormonal or gets anxious with desire when I develop a craving. I remind myself, with great understanding, that part of my body is very confused. Then I ask myself what I am really wanting: sleep? a good talk with a friend? snuggles with my husband? sex? a bubble bath? a tall glass of tasty bottled water?

Those are games I've mentioned before. Here's a new one I've been finding effective for about the last week or so. It's a game called "What if I just . . . ?" I started playing this game last week when my husband had made these delicious butter cookies that are filled with jam. They are out of this world. I had 2 1/2 cookies . . . but then I wanted more. And sympathy wasn't helping. And a reminder that I could have them any time really wasn't true; these are some labor-intensive cookies. But the thing is, for the health and well-being of my body, I really didn't need to keep indulging in these super-rich, super-buttery, super-sugary cookies. And I was going to bed soon; if I eat too close to bedtime, I sleep worse than usual. So even though some part of me said, "EAT THE COOKIES," and even though I am telling people to try to eat intuitively, I also want people to eat smartly--myself included: to recognize when a craving is not a need but just an emotional or physical reaction to a particular substance that doesn't promote well-being.

I stood in the kitchen; I was so torn. The cookies were calling to me; my primitive brain was answering. Then I thought, "What happens if I just walk away? What happens if I just ignore the craving?" Nothing, I realized. Nothing. I'm fine without those cookies. I flipped off the kitchen light and walked away. And I felt pretty good about myself, too, because I knew I was making the right decision.

I've applied that way of thinking several times since then. The most recent time was yesterday afternoon. For about the past week, I have been feeling unwell at times--a stuffy nose here, a headache there. It felt like it was getting worse yesterday. I didn't feel awful, just not too great. I was scheduled to go on a walk with one of my friends, and I kept considering cancelling. I've read a study recently that says that exercise can boost the immune system in people who are fighting off colds, so intellectually, I really didn't have a reason to go. And I wasn't really sick enough to cancel; if I didn't exercise every time something aches or feels off, I'd nearly never go. Then I thought, "What happens if I just do it?" Well, my walk could be fine, or I could start feeling worse. "If I feel worse, can I just cut my walk short? Will my friend understand?" Yes.

I went on the walk, and it actually energized me; I came home with enough energy to make dinner. And it was a delicious dinner, so I'm going to give it a post of its own.

Celebrating the little victories

One of the things I've read recently about dieting is that you should celebrate your victories, even the tiny ones. I guess some part of me feels cocky or silly doing that--it's easier to give a cynical eye roll to my little victories even though I cheer on others celebrating their small ones--but I'm going to do it now. I think it can only help, especially as I fight the perfectionism that breeds negativity.

So let me tell you, I did well yesterday. In fact, I've been doing well this week in general.

I have my period this week, which is usually a time when I just let go and given in to temptations that plague me. They get stronger; I get weaker. I consume way too many calories and don't exericse.

But not this week. As I may have mentioned before, I'm trying a new tactic with cravings: I remind myself that living in a large city in the US, with restaurants all around me, with my ability to bake and cook, I can have pretty much any food I want at any time of day or night. My previous reaction to cravings was to chastise myself and obsess over where this random freaking craving had come from. "Why do I so desperately want a chocolate bar??"--that kind of thing.

Instead, now, I think, "You know what, Veg, you can have a chocolate bar any time you want." Then I picture the chocolate at my house, the chocolate at Whole Foods, the chocolate that abounds at the various restaurants that exist around me. It's counter-intuitive--I would expect it might up the craving--but instead, it calms my brain down, makes it go, "Oh, well, if I can have that food any time I want it, maybe I don't have to have it right this second."

My husband, who is used to me talking about avoiding 'bad' foods and then giving into them, is so surprised and impressed by my behavior this week. Of course, I told him, somewhat honestly and somewhat self-deprecatingly, "We'll see how long it lasts." But then I told him about a study I was reading of OCD patients, where the patients were shown scans of their brains being overactive. When they got OCD impulses, they were instructed to think to themselves, "It feels like I need to _____, but it's actually just my brain misfiring." Then they would do something else to distract themselves--and eventually, their brains started misfiring less often. I'm not OCD, but my random cravings of food might be similar neurologically speaking. So I try to calm my brain down in various ways, and it seems to work.

Yesterday, I ate a salad and a Moosewood organic frozen meal for lunch. As I always do, I flipped the Moosewood meal over to see what calories and ingredients I would be eating, and I was shocked to see the meal was only 160 calories. 160 calories plus my lettuce-and-dressing salad. 200 calories total? But that's tiny! Since we were eating dinner with some friends last night, I knew I wouldn't get dinner until 7:30 or 8--and I'm a 6 p.m.-dinner kinda girl. I felt a bit panicky about food and considered raiding our work kitchen for more food. Potato chips, maybe? Then I reminded myself I could eat a snack when I got home, if I wanted to. When I got home, I was pretty hungry, so I ate 120 calories--one serving--of wonderful gingercrisps. (See, I told you I always look at the calories lol.) Then my husband and I went for a walk in the park to distract me.

See, I knew at my friend's house, I'd be eating some unhealthy food: we were taking baked brie (baked with brown sugar and walnuts on top) as an appetizer (to go with apples), and my friend was making a tofu quiche to be followed by OATMEAL CHOCOLATE-CHIP COOKIES--my favorite kind of cookie. So I wanted to eat a fairly low number of calories during the day so that I could eat without concern at dinner.

And I did: I had two slices of brie with apples. The quiche-with spinach and parmesan cheese in it--was good; I was really looking forward to the cookies. And I did eat three cookies--cookies that were baked fairly small. I would normally eat more, but my brain seemed to tell me, "Hey, did you know you can get those anytime?" So I quit eating after 3.

Go me.

A chocoholic taking a break

I made it all day yesterday without any dessert of any sort. That might not sound like much, but it is. Not an ounce of chocolate, not a single cookie. I didn't even think about it until close to bedtime. Then I developed a terrible, powerful craving for chocolate. My stomach started to rumble a bit while I thought about it. You're so hungry, my hormones told my brain. Get this woman some tasty chocolate!

After a relatively healthy dinner, my best friend and I had gone for a long walk in the cold, cold weather that has hit us. I still felt a bit buzzed from the walk. I didn't want to give in to the craving. I felt frustrated at having a craving right after I'd been applauding NOT having a craving.

Instead of chastising myself, I followed a trick I read recently in O Magazine. I said to myself, very compassionately, "My poor body, thinking it's hungry when it's not. It must be very frustrating for my body to think it needs dessert when really it just wants sleep." Then I reminded my body that dessert isn't going anywhere and I can eat some today if I want to. With that, I felt a bit better, and I went to bed. Success.

Baby steps

We went out to dinner with a friend who was passing through town tonight. I ate two thirds of my meal (2 soft tacos) and stopped. I was satisfied--didn't need more--despite the fact that the food was really tasty.

Then I walked with that friend down to a little market on our street. She was there to pick up beer to take over to another friend's apartment. I was there to walk her to the store. But once we were there, I thought about ice cream. Then I thought, "Really, I'm thirsty. I'm full of food, but I'm thirsty." So I got some Evian as a treat.

Little choices matter. I need to celebrate them.